Rather confused but he’ll find me.

People are confused regarding many things throughout their lifetime. I know, I have always been.

Someone comes up to me asking, what’s your favourite song?

I can tell you with 100% surety I will be confused as hell to choose one.

What’s your favourite book?

Well I haven’t read many so I can give an excuse there to save my confused mind.

What’s your favourite colour?

Well, I’ll tell you what, in this small life of mine I have learned the answer to this question very well, say all.

Need more spirituality into it? say I love everything nature has to offer irrespective of color, breed or gender ୧⁠(⁠＾⁠ ⁠〰⁠ ⁠＾⁠)⁠୨.

But I was never asked this one question. What’s true love for you?

Because if they had. Then probably I would be confused but that doesn’t mean I never thought about it.

I was always the one for drama, an out of control tongue( in speaking matters ) a messed up head( quite literally, I barely use a comb ). There’s a lot more but who’s counting?

My mom is :’)

But I guess I’ll tell you a little secret. My mom literally knows a bit about what love means to me. You know why? Because she found my small diary that mostly everyone had in school days ( now if you know, you know what she knows ) but if you don’t then I can’t help, sorry.

So, my little birdie diary made her realise that I feel very strongly about anything or any topic close to my heart. It is a drawback in some cases because chemicals and hormones are the most real thing in a human body and when she found the birdie diary she knew they were at a high growing level in me.

I am not saying, whatever I wrote is something I still feel because I don’t but then again it was a phase which I will never forget, where the stuff I wrote felt like true love.

So if you ask me what it is for me, then I’ll probably say, stories. They have been a part of my life, like forever. If I never had a best friend still I had one story by my side at the end of each day. If I had no love life, still I had my stories for that boy next seat to entertain him enough so that he knows I’m not a bore or alone.

If I never had a person to call my soulmate still I had made up stories about them to tell my little sister at night as tales ( that too stopped now btw ).

At last if I never felt true love still I had people in my stories who felt like mine and made my heart crave for the kind of love I knew I needed.

But then again if I do, will that person be my soulmate?

So another question arises what’s a soulmate for you? As Usual, confused.

I never had someone to ask these confused questions from, but I heard it once from someone who is really close to my heart as a character. He said, “ It’s like a best friend but more…, it’s the one person in the world who knows you better than anyone else.

It’s someone who makes you a better person. Actually they don’t make you a better person, you do that yourself because they inspire you. A soulmate is someone whom you need to carry with you forever. It’s the one person who knew you and accepted you and believed in you before everyone else did or where no one else would and no matter what happens, you would always love them, nothing can ever change that.

I don’t know if his theory is right or not because I have no theories about it yet or maybe because it has not happened for me still or if it ever would.

But then again after all this ruckus. The only thing that comes to my mind is what will be that song?

Which I will dance to? You know what, I have created scenarios of all those weird songs on which I will just dance with the person I would love the most in the world. The record player or a radio would be perfect with any dumb song that I play, it would just be me and him dancing to any song that pops up with a surprise, no sorted playlists, no shuffled liked songs.

I had choices, at first I thought of Hello by Lionel Richie then I thought about All of me( the Conrad Ricamora one, ik unpopular choice but it is indeed a choice ) then I thought about, Tum rehna saath mere, Bade ache lagte hai, Green lights, Jeena isi ka naam hai, Anti-hero (a new addition), Rekha Bhardwaj, Lorde, LDR, Kishore Kumar, Jagjit Singh, Lata ji, Rafi Sahib, The wanderers, Lumineers, Kate Bush, Galib, RFAK, Bryan Adams and many many many more.

But the common thing in all this would be, we’ll be dancing. The way dance works in this world I hope it works for us with our vinyl too.

He laughs when he hears the first hello by Lionel or the way I ask him the last “ Aur kya ". I don’t want it to be romantic, I want it to be relatable, funny and just stuffs that we can dance on.

I make him paper boats and frogs he teaches me how to play a mouth organ, I make him the best white sauce pasta my mom ever taught and he teaches me how to make a perfect toast. The eggs won’t be scrambled enough and the steps of our perfectly choreographed dance moves will never be on point. The lyrics of the songs I sing can never be right but he won’t get annoyed (somedays). Most of the songs, we will not get the lyrics right. We will binge Spanish movies with out of synced subtitles and listen to Nepali/Bengali/Bhojpuri songs out of the blue (without understanding a word). I’ll tell him about Bengal and how rosogolla is really pronounced.

I will keep his notifications on so that he will never miss when our favourite singer dropped their new album and he will keep my alarm off so that not everyone in the neighborhood just gets up at 4 AM to shout. I will maybe buy new socks every day in winters for him but will he bring me icecream on the same winter evening’s like my mumma did?

I know too much drama for you right? But what can I do I can’t write a love story so I wrote a fantasy. But one thing I know for sure. I don’t want to be confused anymore. On that note I end this fantasy to be continued some other day hoping that he finds me soon so this love story can come out in this life only.

P. S. — I hope one day I’ll be able to write a love story too. I have been trying to but the thoughts never align maybe because I have no inspiration confusing me with my own feelings so that I can write a sloppy story but nevermind maybe one day that shit will be out too :⁠-⁠)