What exactly is happening to me?

When I close my eyes I do not see darkness as it is, I see patterns in it. Sometimes I see lines, sometimes there are motifs that I am not able to recognize.

I do not understand what this condition is called, I even question myself, if I am old enough to experience this all or even understand what it is.

But the biggest question that comes in front of me after every few months is, who should I tell this? what a weird thing to say, ‘I cry and yearn for something that can fulfill me, every night’.

What a weird thing to say that the fatigue I feel is not the result of exhaustion from something travail but it’s from that emptiness I feel inside.

My feet hurt for no reason at all, I have the constant fear of twisting my knee all day long, whenever I feel some kind of pain in my chest, I am scared to death. I still don’t understand what that knot in my throat is, which hurts both my right ear and my neck every time I try chewing or even yawn for a second.

All this sounds like a diagnosis that we do by ourselves before going to the doctor and then announcing our problems with solutions we looked up for like a pro.

But we know that all these problems I am facing will just be called some myth or they will ask the first and most annoying question in the world, ‘What exactly is happening with you?’

If I did, would I be complaining? which in real life I don’t anymore because I have no idea how to explain it to anyone about what exactly is happening with me?

P.S. — I write a little less here which I should change but now I have no idea where to throw out my thoughts. I have no one to rant to, not because I have no friends but because I do not like calling someone and dropping this bomb as the first thing because all people could think of is that the person is going to do something to themselves which is not true for all of the cases. Therefore this place became my diary and now strangers can read about this without actually knowing me.